Jizz comes out to play

Richmond, London, UK, EU, Earth, Sol, Milky Way: In a ground breaking announcement Cumington Technologies (LSE: CUM), a Richmond based high tech firm, announced the imminent release of an innovative media format, the Jizz.

The Jizz format will detect the emotions of the viewers or listeners of the media and adjust playback speeds and tempo in order to achieve maximum pleasure. Cummington Technologies calls this peak eruption manipulation. It is believed that combination of hocus pocus, mumbo jumbo and African American magic is used to achieve this.

Richard Cummings, CEO of Cummington Technologies explains, “Invariably when you are watching certain videos or listening to certain music, there are peaks of emotion the artist wants you to feel. What the .Jizz format does is allow your media playback device to monitor your emotional state using our innovative peak eruption manipulation technique so that the user does not peak too early. Maybe the user is too excited by other events, in that case the .Jizz slows things down, if the user isn’t excited enough, maybe the user is depressed, .Jizz speeds things up and even repeats bits it feels are vital for peak stimulation.”

Analysts believe the new format has many uses and is targeting industries that are always at the forefront of driving entertainment media. “VHS, DVD, Jizz, you will hear these formats throughout time and one industry alone will have driven them”.

How will you use your .Jizz?

Monoliths prepare UK for terraforming

Two recent discoveries by amateur astronomers, first a scar on Jupiter and most recently an unexplained bright spot on Venus confirms the prophecy of the great Visionary and (alleged, he had a baby in a womb in one of his films!) paedophile Arthur C Clarke. The prophecy tells of a great monolith appearing, orbiting above Jupiter and then turning the giant planet into a star. All hail monolith, makers of great video games and stars! Scientist's have cleverly created a side by side comparison of the new scar and a computer generated image of the original fake Jupiter eating monoliths.

The images clearly show that the planet is being eaten alive and will therefore soon turn into a new star. This new star will ensure that the UK finally gets more sun than it's 1 day every 365 years. It is believed that this is an effort by monolith to try and terraform the UK into a habitable country through extermination of the current chav infestation. Middle class UK citizen John Pinford welcomed the imminent termination of the chav population saying, "about bloody time, these roughians have been tormenting my radishes for far too long". He added, "I do hope we can produce our own tea now, I am fed up of relying on those Indians and Chinese for my daily hit, I mean spot of tea". Asked whether he would advocate a new wine industry developing under the new star Pinford shuddered, " I'm afraid not my good sir, wine is for those French cheese eating surrender peasants, the land of Great Britain shall remain a staunch advocate of the ale and will fight to the bitter (end) in order to protect it".