Me me me me me me me and maybe you if I feel like it.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Fabio on England and world cup glory

These English peasant fools know cazzo! My, how you say, ravioli know how to play better football. You take them out of 4-4-2 and they act like Chez Berlusconi in brothel. They know not what to do! I tell Walcott you come in when the midfield needs, he goes ejaculating on the side, Vaffanculo, Walcott, vaffanculo!! I tell you there is something wrong with you English.

Chez captain Cannavaro he is the man we need. A beautiful man, you would not care if he slept with your wife. In fact I have slept with him and my wife. I was pleased to have him inside me. Many of the Italian team have enjoyed his pleasures; it was the key to success in 2006 . Instead I have to deal with il cazzo Terry and Rio. Who would allow either of these merda’s inside of them? I have had to summon ultimate cunt Carragher to relieve the hatred from the Terry, I sacrifice much for this cazzo. Do not speak of the Rooney. Giving Rooney the captaincy would wipe out the squad, no one would play, and everyone would be as Hargreaves. Perhaps this Ashley Cole, he seems to be a nice boy, but the boy has a face you would like to punch repeatedly till you extract puttanesca from him.

For this reason you must listen to me, we will not be winning the world cup, you tell your sun we will not be winning. You tell them, remove the Venabals from your airways. His shame was complete 12 years ago; do not torture the poor man. It is my time to take the long walk for football; I shall take the burden of your lacklustre team alone. This is the reason you shall see a team filled with Tottenham players, you are used to seeing these players underperform and collapse under pressure. Do not let recent glories delude you, this will occur once more. Perhaps viewing the same lasagne fearing underperformers will ease your pain. Perhaps they will fear the wrath of my lasagne so much that they will perform. Perhaps, do not expect much.

I leave you with these wise words: When the seagulls follow the trawler, it is because they think the sardines will be thrown into the sea. The seagulls follow English pig dogs, they follow!

Following the above statement a local Englishman was asked for his thoughts:
Fucking I-tie woofter. E dont know shite. What kind of nancy boys does E fink E manages? This IS ENG-ERR-LAND prick! We aint gonna take each other up the arse! We only do dat to our sisters! Dirty I-tie. Sack the prick and dump him im in Daggenham, we'll show the spagetti eating twat team spirit till he's shitting spagbol out iz arse. ENG-ERR-LAND, ENG-ERR-LAND, ENG-ERR-LAND, Come on ENG-ERR-LAND

None of the views represented in this post are real. No shit.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Rise of the Clegeron : Clegeron NOW

We carry on from the amazing tales of Clegeron Begins. If you haven't read the previous post, good for you. You just saved 5 minutes of your life.

A hung parliament is defined by every lazy persons favourite reference site (Wikipedia) as:
Under a parliamentary system of government, a hung parliament (also known as a minority parliament, a balanced parliament or no overall control) is a legislature in which no political party has an absolute majority of seats.

No one party has an absolute majority of seats. No one wins. In the UK you need 326 seats to have a majority. As the wonderful above graphic, provided to us by the BBC, clearly shows that no one party has 326 seats. No one has won the election outright. If we are to use the second measure of how a fair election is won, by the number of votes placed for a party then the Conservatives win. However that is not how a parliamentary election is decided.

In order to form a government 2 parties would have to agree not to fuck each other up at every turn. So talks began between the parties. Well the Lib Dem's started to talk to both the other large parties (labour and Conservatives), conservatives first as they had one the most seats. As these talks progressed the gopher decided that he would make the ultimate sacrifice and agree to step down as labour leader no later than September in attempt at making a lib/lab coalition tastier than con/lib coalition. After all labour had lost the election even if no one had won it, so it was quite right that the leader of the losing party should not be prime minister in any future government.

Obviously the Tory press went into spaz mode at the thought of Labour getting back into power with the above headlines. Surprisingly though it was the broadcast media that went into full on retard mode showing surprising ignorance of our political system. With commenter's AND presenters both asking the question: "How can a party that has lost the election go onto form a government?!"

Look at the graphic at the top again, the one that shows the seats the number of seats won in this election. No party reaches the 326 "winning post". NO ONE FUCKING WON! Yet hour after hour you hear the same shit on the 24 hour news channels, even the news programs on regular channels. How can a party that has lost the election go onto form a government? By forming a coalition with other parties. Now your probably asking the same questions everyone did at the time, but they didn't win the popular vote. True but if you add the votes for Labour and the Lib Dem's easily more people voted for them. Put another way more people didn't vote for the conservatives than did. So any Lib/Lab coalition would have the popular vote.

The talks with labour to form a coalition to prevent the conservatives from gaining power for one reason or another failed. I believe it was probably the fact that labour were stuck up and didn't want to compromise on their manifesto as much as the conservatives were willing too. Basically the Tory's probably wanted it more and thus were willing to compromise.

The Conservatives and Liberal Democrats eventually struck a deal forming a proper coalition where both parties work together. The Clegeron has arisen.

However listening to the radio and hearing the comments of some of the public people were baffled by this. "Why is da guy dat came third deciding who run's ma life?!".... He's not, "he" ,toff man and the gopher, were working on a deal to form a strong "stable" coalition government to get us out of this economic situation we are in.

Whether or not this coalition lasts or works is a different story altogether. One that I cant be arsed to discuss with myself. My opinion on the coalition it's self is that it's the best deal for the country out of some shit options. I would've preferred a Lib/Lab coalition but that would've just hurt labour's popularity till it destroyed it's self.

This way labour can recover in opposition and renew it's self with a new leadership and less a Orwellian doctrine, hopefully. Meanwhile hopefully again, the Lib Dem's can try and curb the right wing leanings of the Conservatives. We have already seen this with the Conservatives putting plans to up the inheritance tax threshold to £1 Million on hold and instead adopting the Lib dim priority of abolishing the income tax for people that earn less than £10k (poor mofo's init). On the flip side the Conservatives maintain their resistance to the EU (dumb fucks)by making sure that any attempts to transfer more power to the EU be put to a public vote (cause the public really know alot about the EU...) and have made the lib Dem's put on hold their plans of joining the EU.

A new dawn in British politics may or may not have emerged after this election, my worry is that the Lib Dem's will bend over backwards to try and keep the conservatives happy, give up too much and lose any popularity they ever had. That would be a disaster. We need an alternative to Labour and the Conservatives.

Oh you wanted funny? The whole fucking system is a joke. LAUGH!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

The Rise of the Clegeron: Clegeron Begins.

As the sun set on Britain last night a new era of peace and co-operation was ushered in. The birds sang the sun shone through the stadium and the wind was not beating down the trees. That long saught after age of peace amongst men has arisen, as the news outlets of this nation claim.

In reality what we are faced with is an intriguing coalition government between the centre left lib dems and the "centre" right wing cuntservatives. A once in a generation opportunity for the lib dems to make a difference in government as opposed to perennially sitting on the opposition benches of Parliament desperately
viaing for attention while the nations retarded tory press constantly ignored them.

(If your waiting for this to get funny you should probably skip to the picture of the chav, if you dont know what one looks like, welcome to our planet, please dont rape and pillage us. )

Well the time for mass ignorance of the Liberal Democats has long sinced passed now. Ever since the first leaders debate the public have taken to the previously unknown Nick Clegg. The party was just considered a local government party a party. No more. The headlights of national power have shone on the party ever since the first debate and the first surge, that was until the actual day of the election.

As exit polls came in it became apparent that the British people suffered from a serious case of amnesia when it came to voting in the booth. Perhaps they needed a picture of Nick Clegg next the lib dem logo, perhaps with a kissing pose. The exit polls showed that the Lib-dems had actually lost seats despite a surge in polls that showed them almost equal with the Tory scum. The voting system had failed them again. 23% of the public vote only 6% behind labour yet they only get 57 seats compared to labours 255. That's our democracy right there, rapeing you with numbers till you scream for mercy from one of the big two, the evil right or the evil left. The moderate centre left gets shafted yet again.

Well not this time cause there was some sense in the voting, the people spoke with their voice and it was probably the correct result, a hung parliament, arrived at by mistake probably, but arrived at none the less. In my language: None of you tossers are good enough, do it together. In chav: Yo blod you best get yo honky ass wit dem other honky's and sort this yo, Shaz let's fuck and make baby to get some dough! In toff: Oh one does say that one can't have these communist's ruin our estate, we must rise up, Sharon fetch me my shotgun I have fox to kill. In BNP: Blimey, Nuff with these Paki's!

Now comes the most retarded part of the entire tale, yes it get's even more special. The astounded confusion of the nation. That's all for Part 1. If you skipped to the chav, there is no funny part. Look out for Part 2 when I can be arsed. Oh and if you find any spelling or grammatical mistakes, do let me know.